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Etiquette When Finding a Surrogate Mother

Posted on : September 19, 2017
Surrogate Etiquette

If you’re a first time intended parent, the process of finding a surrogate mother can be confusing and overwhelming. Here are some simple tips on communicating with your potential surrogate. Start to foster the beginning of a great relationship should she choose to be your carrier.

Always Be Open and Honest With Surrogates

It’s important to be completely honest and transparent with your potential surrogates. The best advice is to simply be yourself. Don’t try so hard to impress that you come across as artificial.  If there are ghosts in your closet, be honest about them.  If you have fears about something, discuss them. Don’t intentionally sidestep questions that aren’t inappropriate because you’re afraid your answer might make it less likely for that surrogate to choose you.

Avoid Hot Topics

Avoid asking and responding to questions about hot-button topics like religion, politics, or sexual orientation. While surrogates have every right to and do factor these issues into their decision, a debate is unnecessary. You’ll typically be asked to disclose pertinent information on your initial forms.

Avoid Pressuring a Surrogate

Sometimes, intended parents get caught up in the process of being interviewed by surrogates and they send out messages like, “We would make great parents because …” or “You should choose us instead of someone else because …” This makes it challenging for a surrogate to choose who is the best fit. In the same vein, don’t tell a surrogate that you’re only speaking with her or that she’s your only hope for growing your family.

Prepare for the Meeting

Soon you and your potential surrogate will be meeting each other.  You’ll both be nervous, you’ll both be trying to put on your best face so the each of you “likes” the other.  But, this meeting is the most important part of your surrogacy journey.  It is the time for each of you to try to get to know the other, to feel comfortable with your choice, to feel secure that you’ll each do everything possible to ensure that this not only works out for both of you but is one of the most memorable and enjoyable experiences of your life.  

Ask Questions

Take the opportunity to ask questions. Below are some questions, in no particular order, that may help you — some might not be appropriate, given your situation.  They’re a guide to address topics that have come up over the years.

  • What made you choose surrogacy?
  • Why did you agree to work with me?  Have you been a surrogate before?
  • How long have you been at your job?  Do you have flexible hours?  
  • Do you have a disability policy?  If not, would you like one so that if you are unable to work, your wages are covered?  When you’re traveling, who will watch your child(ren)?
  • What kind of support system do you have?
  • [If your surrogate has a significant other]  What do you think of your partner’s decision to be a surrogate?  
  • Have you talked to your child(ren) about this?  What was their reaction?
  • Have you discussed the fact that you’ll have to abstain from sex while you’re a surrogate?  Are you okay with this?
  • What are your thoughts about abortion or selective reduction?  
  • What kind of relationship with me would make you feel most comfortable?  How often would you like me to contact you?  Would you like in person contact, or just through phone/email?   
  • Have you talked to your friends/family about what you’re doing?  What was their reaction?
  • What kind of contact would you like to have after the baby is born?  In person?  Pictures?  Updates?
  • Are you okay with me/us being in the delivery room with you?
  • What’s the most important thing I can do for you so that this is a great experience for you?

Answer Questions

Likely, potential surrogates will have some questions for you. Be prepared to answer them openly and honestly. This may or may not include questions like:

  • Why did you choose surrogacy?  Have you worked with other surrogates before?  What happened?  How long did you look for a surrogate until you chose me?  Why did you choose me?
  • How long have you been trying to have a child?  Why have you been unsuccessful?  
  • Do you plan on telling the child how it came into the world?
  • Are you comfortable providing your phone/address/email to me?
  • How often do you want me to contact you—before, during, and after the pregnancy?
  • What arrangements will you make to care for the child if you’re working?
  • If you have other children, have you discussed this with them?  What was their reaction?
  • Do you have a guardian appointed for the unborn child in case you die before I deliver?
  • I don’t need to know how much money you make, but do you think you are financially secure so that the child will be taken care of until he/she is an adult?
  • [If you’re working with a married couple]  Do each of you support the other in this decision?  Do you think that one of you wants a child more than the other?
  • If I get pregnant with more than one child, are you prepared for twins (or more)?  
  • What are your thoughts about abortion?
  • If everything works out as you hope, do you want more than one child?
  • What’s the most important thing I can do for you so that this is a great experience for you?

Don’t Take It Personally If You Aren’t Chosen

If a particular surrogate interviews you but ends up choosing another set of intended parents, it’s normal to feel hurt or disappointed. However, try not to take it personally. Definitely, don’t message the surrogate after her decision has been made other than to thank her for her consideration. Recognize that the entire reason SMI believes your initial meeting with your surrogate is so important is to allow each side to ensure they’re comfortable with the other.  Better to find out sooner rather than later that the match isn’t perfect, right?

Get Help Finding a Surrogate Mother Today

At Surrogate Mothers, Inc., we have significant experience in the surrogate selection process. We can help you find the right surrogate to fit your needs and grow your family. Our goal is to help facilitate the matching process and make it easier for you to choose a surrogate and for a surrogate to choose you. Contact us today for a consultation at 1-888-SURROGATE.

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